1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
we're making bets on your personal life
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
