So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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