Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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