so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
