So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
