So drunk its hurt
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
