Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
