Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
