Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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