Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
ok first of all what the fuck
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
