I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
