I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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