phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
