Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
