My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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