Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
