is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
