I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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