Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
