my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
