I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
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Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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