i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
organizing the empties. That sober.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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