i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
