I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
