im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
