Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
