My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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