just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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