Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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