I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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