I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
