It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Found your dick twin last night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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