The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
