After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
