I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
