so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize