the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
