and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
