so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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