She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
