I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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