my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
