I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
