i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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