All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
