At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
