You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
