do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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