Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
