talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Michael Bay diarrhea
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
