so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
