I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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