I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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