I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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