I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
