I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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