We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
