Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
