you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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